I know exactly what I was doing on this night four years ago.
I sat in a hospital ER waiting room and pretended that I was happy as a clam and everything was hunky dory while my mind was screaming that nothing was okay. A little boy needed me to be that way.
I sat at a kitchen table and listened to a mother-in-law talk about her loved one back in that ER and how everything was going to be okay, because it had to be. And I pretended that I didn't know that it wasn't okay and the loved one wasn't coming home. She needed me to be that way.
There are times I think I see her out of the corner of my eye. Jellybeans always make me think of her. Rabbit figurines and Thomas Kincaid paintings cause the same emotions to stir. Things happen and I want to call.
It's been four years ago today.