Saturday, July 18, 2009

Oh God, I feel so selfish in my pain

How do I feel great excitement on one hand and also feel great loss?

How does my mind and spirit untangle these emotions of healing and moving forward, which brings great joy, from the tears and heartache of saying goodbye to something that brought great joy?

How can I be exuberantly happy about love blooming and growing, because I am, and yet experience waves of sorrow washing over me from the loss of what was.

I feel selfish in my pain, as if my pain overrides the joy for the progress of moving forward. A moving forward that is soothing, beautiful, and needed.

I know in my mind that this is good, yet I long so greatly for the past which can never return. And would not want to return if given the option.

Oh God, give me the eyes to see the beauty of now. Give me the heart to embrace it with no reserves. Help me remember the joy of the past and not weep.

Take away the selfishness of my pain.

ONE Sabbath

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

One of Those Conversations...

You ever have one of those conversations that just leaves you scratching your head, wondering if you have lost your sanity or are losing it?

Someone asked me recently when my French friends were coming in. I said Guy and his niece, Celine, would be in on Monday and Etienne would be in on Thursday.

"They're not coming together?"

"They don't know each other."

"Yes they do." Now, that statement would have made sense if the person making the statement knew Guy, Celine, or Etienne, but that is not the case.

"No, they don't."

"Yes, they DO." Again, this person does not know any of my French friends. The person knows about them to a certain degree, but it is a very little degree.

At this point, I'm just staring in disbelief. I think, or maybe I was yelling. I don't think I was yelling out loud. It could have just been in my head. I hope it was just in my head. I like to think I was just staring.

"Etienne is Mathilde and Pauline's brother."

"Yes, I know!" Mathilde and Pauline are our French Chicks from last summer.

"And their dad is Guy's doctor."

"I know that, but Guy and Etienne don't know each other and Celine doesn't know Etienne."

"They live in the same town!" They live in Marseille, which really can't be considered a town. It's more like a city of 1,605,000 people.

"That doesn't mean they know each other!"

"Well, in Texas they'd be considered related!"

I don't know about you, but I don't know any of my doctor's children and I'm pretty doggone sure none of my doctors know any of my nieces or nephews. I'm just saying.

Now, after the next few weeks, Guy, Celine, and Etienne will know each other. They are making the trip to Texas just to meet. I'm kidding. They're coming to get related so they can be true Texans, where, apparently, one is automatically kin to their doctor and his/her family.

Even though I've grown up in Texas I didn't know this rule. I will have to fill in my doctors the next time I go in. Do I have to be related to my kid's doctors too? Can anyone clue me in about this rule?