Suicide Is Not Painless

Let me just say up front that this is a brain dump. Nothing I say here is meant to hurt anyone, judge anyone, change anyone or mess with anyone anyway or anyhow. It is just me letting out junk that is bouncing around in my head screaming to be let out.

Of the last five funerals I've been to, three have been suicides. One might have been accidental, but the other two were obviously not. One was not spur of the moment. It was very much premeditated. I don't know about the other. All three losses left, and continue to leave, huge holes in the lives around them. They physically ripped themselves away leaving behind bewildered, heartbroken, devastated people.

One still makes me cry almost every time it crosses my mind. I look at the family left behind and I feel a mass of messy emotions pour through me. The one that usually surfaces first is dismay, but anger follows a close second. Anger at what has been done to this beautiful group. Anger about what he turned his back on. And then the permanence of loss whirls it all together creating deep sadness.

Today, along with hundreds of people, I said good-bye to a classmate. Jimmy impacted so, so many individuals during his lifetime. His brother and father conducted the service. I can't imagine doing that. It wasn't a bit easy for them. They were very honest about that, but they were also open about Who was getting them through it. And, they acknowledged that the future would not be easy without their son and brother around. Neither tried to paint Jimmy as a superhero or perfect person. I didn't raise him, grow up in the same house, or live with him for 26 years like his father, brother, and wife did, but the Jimmy I have always known had a mega-watt smile and a kind or fun word. It looks like the last time we tangled on Facebook it was over him cheering on ut. I had to explain to him which university was the oldest in Texas and therefore the best. He suggested the dorms must smell pretty bad if they were that old.

His brother expressed his wish that he knew what Jimmy had been feeling, that he could have felt his pain and talked to him about it. Apparently, he had played it close to the vest. I understand that. I did it for a long time. Kept a smile going on the outside for those on the outside. I have no idea how it was for Jimmy, if it was something that had been eating away for a long time or if it hit overwhelmingly hard and fast. I just know he's gone and a lot of people are grieving.

His dad talked about I Corinthians 4:9 and being made a spectacle to the world. This choice has made them a spectacle and now the world will watch how they respond. He shared a quote from another pastor. "I want the kind of faith that when I'm chained and thrown into the deepest, darkest, most inner cell for something I didn't do I will still sing praises at midnight." This family has been flung into that cell. They know it will not be easy to sing praises, but they want to.

During my trip to Nashville I sat in my hotel room and watched a screener for a film coming out this month. One of the topics is suicide. I cried, some because of things I expressed earlier. I never dreamed I would be sitting in a funeral so soon and dealing with the same subject again. "Could I have done more?" is asked a lot by different characters throughout the movie. And here's my thoughts: Sometimes, maybe many times, the answer is "yes." Sometimes every possible thing that can be humanly done is done and the tragedy still takes place.

I think Jimmy's dad said it best with "If God doesn't intervene He has a reason."

Conversations with Clay

"Happy Holidays" from the old movie, Holiday Inn, came on when we were in Subway.

Clay starts grumbling about having to listen to it, because it reminds him of when I used to force him to listen to John Travolta.

I stare at him like he's grown another head.

Me: What are you talking about?!
Clay: You used to play John Travolta over and over.
Me: WHAT? I can't even tell you the name of one single John Travolta song.
Clay: We're listening to one right now!
Me: That's Bing Crosby.
Clay: No it's not. It's John Travolta!
Me: The guy who played the mom in Hair Spray?
Clay: Oh...no, not him.

He meant Frank Sinatra. We then had an argument about if it was Bing Crosby or Frank Sinatra singing "Happy Holidays."

How Rumors Get Started

Corinn: I think we should get rid of the dogs.
Me: We can give them to Micah. He likes dogs.
Clay: Micah eats dogs?!
Corinn: Yeah, they're his favorite.

Reject Apathy

From Switchfoot, Reject Apathy, Relevant Magazine, and ONE

Bizarre Day at Coventry

Yesterday was just bizarre at Coventry, or at least, the morning was. It was still good, and I was greatly blessed, but it was bizarre. I kept wondering if it was a full moon.

It was announced that it was Melissa's last day and we would have cake after lunch to celebrate. Melissa is excited about her new adventure, so we were celebrating. But, Melissa has been such a wonderful light in my life that the tears were flowing first thing. So glad I didn't wear makeup.

Then, during the first session I looked up from my spot in glazing to see Sneaky Pete go stiff in his chair at the clay table. Thankfully he went down slowly and three people were there immediately to keep him from hurting himself. That made me cry and pray. It stressed me to see him like that and it stressed me to see the other Stars alarmed. Nick wanted someone to pray and I suggested he pray to himself (like in his head). He said he didn't know how to do that, so I said there was nothing wrong with praying out loud, so he did. It isn't something he does easily and it was beautiful. He also got to turn the ceiling fans on to help cool down SP, which thrilled him to no end. He LOVES ceiling fans. Sneaky Pete rested for a bit and was covered in prayers. Before long he was going strong again.

Then, we had a senior citizen group of about 19 come to visit. They watched a short video, broke into smaller groups and took tours. We often have people visiting, just not so many at a time. Before they left all the septic lines decided to clog! The icemaker drain backed up and started flooding the kitchen at lunch time. And not just a little water. The toilets couldn't be flushed. Someone announced it was time to practice bladder control. But our male visitors were thrilled to have a problem to try to solve. They seemed pleased at punch while trying to help. We told them we didn't usually put our visitors to work when they came. They just grinned.

At circle time, Melissa was our focus. The Stars took turns telling her what she meant to them. It was beautiful. They wanted to hug her and pray for her. Lots of tears were shed. Once again, I was glad I didn't have makeup on. It helps to know that Melissa is making a move she feels God is leading her to make and she is very calm and excited. I must say I would be excited about moving to a beach town myself. Melissa is a wonderful teacher. She is patient and moves with determined purpose. I love that about her. And, man, am I going to miss her.

The Roto-Rooter guy came. He was new and had never worked on a septic system before. Someone talked him through it and a cheer went up at the announcement that toilets could once again be flushed.

So, we made it through the different day. Laughter and love prevailed.

TOMS Holiday Catalog Makes Me Happy

Some of you know that I get plum giddy over TOMS Shoes. Really, I smile just thinking about them. And it isn't just the shoes that make me that way. Yes, they are amazingly comfortable and cute, but it is the mission and concept of the company that make me happy. Wasn't there a real corny cheer once that had H-A-P-P-Y in it somewhere? Sorry, I digress.

Back to the company. If I were young, single, and intelligent I would do everything in my power to work for them. Maybe if I were just young and intelligent I would do everything in my power to work for them. Being none of those things, I will do everything in my power to get the word out about the company.

So, back to being giddy. My TOMS Holiday catalog came yesterday and, as usual, it is just delightful. And my favorite thing, besides the black glitter shoes on page 6 and the Cordones on page 12 and the poem on page 22, is on the back cover.

There you will find TOMS Gift Pack for $50. It is COOL BEANS!
Included is a TOMS $50 gift card, a For Tomorrow DVD (it is wonderful) and a Limited Edition Poster. Plus, of course, you will be giving someone in need a pair of shoes.

If you have someone in your life that prefers their gifts to give a little more this would be perfect for them. And you would be helping get the word out. And that makes me H-A-P-P-Y!

Conversations with My Children

Me: Stop harassing me!
Clay: Be thankful I'm harassing you. At least I'm paying attention to you!
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Me: How's Matt?
Aaron: Good

Me: How's Brad?
Aaron: Good

Me: How's Crystal
Aaron: Good
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Callie: OH MY GOSH! Clay has those glasses! (Looking at the cover of Rolling Stone)
Me: Don't you know who that is?
Callie: It's Bono.
Me: And he gave the glasses to Clay.
Callie: I know!
Me: Then why are you surprised to see them on Bono?
(And yes, I know he has many pairs of those glasses.)
Callie: I don't know.

Callie: Are we going to the Smith's tonight?
Me: No, we're going Saturday night.
Callie: Are we going to the wedding?
Me: No, we're going to the Smith's!
Callie: Are we going to the Smith's tonight?
Me: NO!