I know exactly what I was doing on this night four years ago.
I sat in a hospital ER waiting room and pretended that I was happy as a clam and everything was hunky dory while my mind was screaming that nothing was okay. A little boy needed me to be that way.
I sat at a kitchen table and listened to a mother-in-law talk about her loved one back in that ER and how everything was going to be okay, because it had to be. And I pretended that I didn't know that it wasn't okay and the loved one wasn't coming home. She needed me to be that way.
There are times I think I see her out of the corner of my eye. Jellybeans always make me think of her. Rabbit figurines and Thomas Kincaid paintings cause the same emotions to stir. Things happen and I want to call.
It's been four years ago today.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A lesson I learned this morning
A lesson I learned this morning is to always double check the date on your jury summons before you write it on your calendar. That'll keep you from driving 30 minutes to a courthouse at an awful hour in the morning for no reason.
So, after learning the painful lesson the hard way I decided, due to bad traffic and a pounding headache, to drop in on my friends because I knew there would be coffee. They had kids that had to be gotten up and taken off to school. Someone would be up and coffee would be available.
Once again this morning I was wrong.
Charlie met me in the driveway and escorted me into the house. I walked into dead silence.
And then I made one step too many and Nia saw me. At least I think her name is Nia. Usually I just call her "Please Don't Eat Me". She went nuts barking and Charlie, the traitor, joined her.
I quickly sat down and played dead hoping she would take that as a sign of weakness and decide not to take a plug out of me. I looked up to see two extremely sleepy, confused people (I would say friends, but I don't know if they were thinking of me as a friend at that point) staring at me like I'm crazy. I am crazy. It was crazy. So their confusion made perfect sense to me.
Em immediately put water on to boil. She's seen me without sleep and little caffeine before. She knows how ugly it can be. Then, as the intelligent young lady she is, she went straight back to bed.
The coffee got French pressed. I inhaled it as I tried to apologize and explain my presence to the third person I woke up as he stumbled into the kitchen.
I had forgotten the kids don't physically go to school on Thursday. So, no one was up when I crashed in on their nice, calm, cozy little world. You would think that I would remember the Thursday thing, because two of my kids went to that school and I taught there once upon a time.
Then Nia, the same dog that threatened to tear me limb from limb earlier, curled up with me on the couch and we took a nap together.
So, after learning the painful lesson the hard way I decided, due to bad traffic and a pounding headache, to drop in on my friends because I knew there would be coffee. They had kids that had to be gotten up and taken off to school. Someone would be up and coffee would be available.
Once again this morning I was wrong.
Charlie met me in the driveway and escorted me into the house. I walked into dead silence.
And then I made one step too many and Nia saw me. At least I think her name is Nia. Usually I just call her "Please Don't Eat Me". She went nuts barking and Charlie, the traitor, joined her.
I quickly sat down and played dead hoping she would take that as a sign of weakness and decide not to take a plug out of me. I looked up to see two extremely sleepy, confused people (I would say friends, but I don't know if they were thinking of me as a friend at that point) staring at me like I'm crazy. I am crazy. It was crazy. So their confusion made perfect sense to me.
Em immediately put water on to boil. She's seen me without sleep and little caffeine before. She knows how ugly it can be. Then, as the intelligent young lady she is, she went straight back to bed.
The coffee got French pressed. I inhaled it as I tried to apologize and explain my presence to the third person I woke up as he stumbled into the kitchen.
I had forgotten the kids don't physically go to school on Thursday. So, no one was up when I crashed in on their nice, calm, cozy little world. You would think that I would remember the Thursday thing, because two of my kids went to that school and I taught there once upon a time.
Then Nia, the same dog that threatened to tear me limb from limb earlier, curled up with me on the couch and we took a nap together.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Missy
This is Missy. She left her family and friends last week after living a very fun and full life.My kids, mainly Clay, were her sitters over the last few years.
Missy was a funny dog. Even after she had gone pretty blind she still knew exactly where to go and stand for her treat when she came in from doing her business outside.
And sometimes she was funny about doing her business outside. She didn't like to get her feet wet, so she would try to avoid the wet grass. Or she would pretend that she had done everything and want you to let her back inside. But, if you stood your ground, she would get to it so she could get back inside and get her treat. She liked her treats.
One of her favorite things to do was play hide and seek with Clay. Oh, she would make me laugh. She would hide under the coffee table which might have worked if it hadn't had a glass top.
There was the season she decided that she only wanted to sleep in the bathtub. Her mother had put something like a blanket in the tub and Missy jumped on it like a junebug and claimed it to be hers. She used it to scare us to death. We couldn't find her. She had completely buried herself under the blanket.
Missy was picky about her toys. Once she had a favorite, none other would do. There was the hamburger toy. Her parents tried to switch it once with an identical toy. Didn't work. She demanded her old one.
She was a sweet, sweet heart and dearly loved, but it was time for her to say good-bye. She had lived a very full and fun life.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Suicide Is Not Painless
Let me just say up front that this is a brain dump. Nothing I say here is meant to hurt anyone, judge anyone, change anyone or mess with anyone anyway or anyhow. It is just me letting out junk that is bouncing around in my head screaming to be let out.
Of the last five funerals I've been to, three have been suicides. One might have been accidental, but the other two were obviously not. One was not spur of the moment. It was very much premeditated. I don't know about the other. All three losses left, and continue to leave, huge holes in the lives around them. They physically ripped themselves away leaving behind bewildered, heartbroken, devastated people.
One still makes me cry almost every time it crosses my mind. I look at the family left behind and I feel a mass of messy emotions pour through me. The one that usually surfaces first is dismay, but anger follows a close second. Anger at what has been done to this beautiful group. Anger about what he turned his back on. And then the permanence of loss whirls it all together creating deep sadness.
Today, along with hundreds of people, I said good-bye to a classmate. Jimmy impacted so, so many individuals during his lifetime. His brother and father conducted the service. I can't imagine doing that. It wasn't a bit easy for them. They were very honest about that, but they were also open about Who was getting them through it. And, they acknowledged that the future would not be easy without their son and brother around. Neither tried to paint Jimmy as a superhero or perfect person. I didn't raise him, grow up in the same house, or live with him for 26 years like his father, brother, and wife did, but the Jimmy I have always known had a mega-watt smile and a kind or fun word. It looks like the last time we tangled on Facebook it was over him cheering on ut. I had to explain to him which university was the oldest in Texas and therefore the best. He suggested the dorms must smell pretty bad if they were that old.
His brother expressed his wish that he knew what Jimmy had been feeling, that he could have felt his pain and talked to him about it. Apparently, he had played it close to the vest. I understand that. I did it for a long time. Kept a smile going on the outside for those on the outside. I have no idea how it was for Jimmy, if it was something that had been eating away for a long time or if it hit overwhelmingly hard and fast. I just know he's gone and a lot of people are grieving.
His dad talked about I Corinthians 4:9 and being made a spectacle to the world. This choice has made them a spectacle and now the world will watch how they respond. He shared a quote from another pastor. "I want the kind of faith that when I'm chained and thrown into the deepest, darkest, most inner cell for something I didn't do I will still sing praises at midnight." This family has been flung into that cell. They know it will not be easy to sing praises, but they want to.
During my trip to Nashville I sat in my hotel room and watched a screener for a film coming out this month. One of the topics is suicide. I cried, some because of things I expressed earlier. I never dreamed I would be sitting in a funeral so soon and dealing with the same subject again. "Could I have done more?" is asked a lot by different characters throughout the movie. And here's my thoughts: Sometimes, maybe many times, the answer is "yes." Sometimes every possible thing that can be humanly done is done and the tragedy still takes place.
I think Jimmy's dad said it best with "If God doesn't intervene He has a reason."
Of the last five funerals I've been to, three have been suicides. One might have been accidental, but the other two were obviously not. One was not spur of the moment. It was very much premeditated. I don't know about the other. All three losses left, and continue to leave, huge holes in the lives around them. They physically ripped themselves away leaving behind bewildered, heartbroken, devastated people.
One still makes me cry almost every time it crosses my mind. I look at the family left behind and I feel a mass of messy emotions pour through me. The one that usually surfaces first is dismay, but anger follows a close second. Anger at what has been done to this beautiful group. Anger about what he turned his back on. And then the permanence of loss whirls it all together creating deep sadness.
Today, along with hundreds of people, I said good-bye to a classmate. Jimmy impacted so, so many individuals during his lifetime. His brother and father conducted the service. I can't imagine doing that. It wasn't a bit easy for them. They were very honest about that, but they were also open about Who was getting them through it. And, they acknowledged that the future would not be easy without their son and brother around. Neither tried to paint Jimmy as a superhero or perfect person. I didn't raise him, grow up in the same house, or live with him for 26 years like his father, brother, and wife did, but the Jimmy I have always known had a mega-watt smile and a kind or fun word. It looks like the last time we tangled on Facebook it was over him cheering on ut. I had to explain to him which university was the oldest in Texas and therefore the best. He suggested the dorms must smell pretty bad if they were that old.
His brother expressed his wish that he knew what Jimmy had been feeling, that he could have felt his pain and talked to him about it. Apparently, he had played it close to the vest. I understand that. I did it for a long time. Kept a smile going on the outside for those on the outside. I have no idea how it was for Jimmy, if it was something that had been eating away for a long time or if it hit overwhelmingly hard and fast. I just know he's gone and a lot of people are grieving.
His dad talked about I Corinthians 4:9 and being made a spectacle to the world. This choice has made them a spectacle and now the world will watch how they respond. He shared a quote from another pastor. "I want the kind of faith that when I'm chained and thrown into the deepest, darkest, most inner cell for something I didn't do I will still sing praises at midnight." This family has been flung into that cell. They know it will not be easy to sing praises, but they want to.
During my trip to Nashville I sat in my hotel room and watched a screener for a film coming out this month. One of the topics is suicide. I cried, some because of things I expressed earlier. I never dreamed I would be sitting in a funeral so soon and dealing with the same subject again. "Could I have done more?" is asked a lot by different characters throughout the movie. And here's my thoughts: Sometimes, maybe many times, the answer is "yes." Sometimes every possible thing that can be humanly done is done and the tragedy still takes place.
I think Jimmy's dad said it best with "If God doesn't intervene He has a reason."
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
One of Those Conversations...
You ever have one of those conversations that just leaves you scratching your head, wondering if you have lost your sanity or are losing it?
Someone asked me recently when my French friends were coming in. I said Guy and his niece, Celine, would be in on Monday and Etienne would be in on Thursday.
"They're not coming together?"
"They don't know each other."
"Yes they do." Now, that statement would have made sense if the person making the statement knew Guy, Celine, or Etienne, but that is not the case.
"No, they don't."
"Yes, they DO." Again, this person does not know any of my French friends. The person knows about them to a certain degree, but it is a very little degree.
At this point, I'm just staring in disbelief. I think, or maybe I was yelling. I don't think I was yelling out loud. It could have just been in my head. I hope it was just in my head. I like to think I was just staring.
"Etienne is Mathilde and Pauline's brother."
"Yes, I know!" Mathilde and Pauline are our French Chicks from last summer.
"And their dad is Guy's doctor."
"I know that, but Guy and Etienne don't know each other and Celine doesn't know Etienne."
"They live in the same town!" They live in Marseille, which really can't be considered a town. It's more like a city of 1,605,000 people.
"That doesn't mean they know each other!"
"Well, in Texas they'd be considered related!"
I don't know about you, but I don't know any of my doctor's children and I'm pretty doggone sure none of my doctors know any of my nieces or nephews. I'm just saying.
Now, after the next few weeks, Guy, Celine, and Etienne will know each other. They are making the trip to Texas just to meet. I'm kidding. They're coming to get related so they can be true Texans, where, apparently, one is automatically kin to their doctor and his/her family.
Even though I've grown up in Texas I didn't know this rule. I will have to fill in my doctors the next time I go in. Do I have to be related to my kid's doctors too? Can anyone clue me in about this rule?
Someone asked me recently when my French friends were coming in. I said Guy and his niece, Celine, would be in on Monday and Etienne would be in on Thursday.
"They're not coming together?"
"They don't know each other."
"Yes they do." Now, that statement would have made sense if the person making the statement knew Guy, Celine, or Etienne, but that is not the case.
"No, they don't."
"Yes, they DO." Again, this person does not know any of my French friends. The person knows about them to a certain degree, but it is a very little degree.
At this point, I'm just staring in disbelief. I think, or maybe I was yelling. I don't think I was yelling out loud. It could have just been in my head. I hope it was just in my head. I like to think I was just staring.
"Etienne is Mathilde and Pauline's brother."
"Yes, I know!" Mathilde and Pauline are our French Chicks from last summer.
"And their dad is Guy's doctor."
"I know that, but Guy and Etienne don't know each other and Celine doesn't know Etienne."
"They live in the same town!" They live in Marseille, which really can't be considered a town. It's more like a city of 1,605,000 people.
"That doesn't mean they know each other!"
"Well, in Texas they'd be considered related!"
I don't know about you, but I don't know any of my doctor's children and I'm pretty doggone sure none of my doctors know any of my nieces or nephews. I'm just saying.
Now, after the next few weeks, Guy, Celine, and Etienne will know each other. They are making the trip to Texas just to meet. I'm kidding. They're coming to get related so they can be true Texans, where, apparently, one is automatically kin to their doctor and his/her family.
Even though I've grown up in Texas I didn't know this rule. I will have to fill in my doctors the next time I go in. Do I have to be related to my kid's doctors too? Can anyone clue me in about this rule?
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Change of Plans
Some days do not go exactly how you plan. And that's okay, because when you're a mom that happens all the time. And you learn that days usually don't go exactly as planned which is fine because that is what you sign up for when you become a mom.
Tuesday as I was working on emails and follow-up calls I got a call saying Haley thought she had the flu. She had fever and couldn't hold her body upright for more than a couple of minutes. The school's clinic was booked solid and she couldn't drive herself to a doc in the box. So, juggling the phone calls, packing my bag, calling my neighbor to tell her what was up, talking to my husband about the next few days, making sure that Aaron could get Rinn to work and pick up Callie since I was taking the van, saying that Micah could come over after work as long as there were others at home with them, and generally covering everything else I could think of, I headed to Waco.
I did have to explain to one pastor that I wasn't breathing hard because of him, but that I was simply out of breath from running around the house. I'm really out of shape.
The drive was wonderful. No sound. Just thoughts bouncing around in my head. There is a lot of room for bouncing in there. I had grabbed necessary items at QT: Coke Zero, Snickers Marathon, and Clorox Disinfecting Wipes.
After wiping down everything in her car I took her to a clinic about the size of a phone booth where we had to wait awhile, but were very well cared for, got her medicine, put her to bed, and went to the "ghetto" H.E.B. I don't call it "ghetto", Haley does. When I went to Baylor, it was just the H.E.B. On the grocery list was all the ingredients for my chicken noodle soup and a big can of Lysol.
Haley had a rough night with coughing and my breathing machine was on the blink, so neither of us slept well. We didn't climb out of bed until almost noon. I was able to work from Haley's laptop - after I wiped it down, and got some good phone calls made. Then I trekked across campus to deliver a paper to the science building. I fit right in with my Toms, blue jeans, black T, jean jacket and straight as a bone hair. My big dark sunglasses covered the wrinkles and bags around my eyes. Yep, I looked 20...in my dreams!
We've also watched 8 billion episodes of Friends and Big Bang Theory, and the musical, Mamma Mia! Pierce Brosnan needs to avoid singing in public or on film, just as I do.
I think Haley will be mended enough for me to head home tomorrow, if she sleeps well. I've stocked her with Nyquil, new toothbrushes, and tissues. Her temperature seems to be staying down.
Now, back to another episode of Big Bang.
And thank you, Melinda and Micah, for helping out our family during this flu crisis.
Tuesday as I was working on emails and follow-up calls I got a call saying Haley thought she had the flu. She had fever and couldn't hold her body upright for more than a couple of minutes. The school's clinic was booked solid and she couldn't drive herself to a doc in the box. So, juggling the phone calls, packing my bag, calling my neighbor to tell her what was up, talking to my husband about the next few days, making sure that Aaron could get Rinn to work and pick up Callie since I was taking the van, saying that Micah could come over after work as long as there were others at home with them, and generally covering everything else I could think of, I headed to Waco.
I did have to explain to one pastor that I wasn't breathing hard because of him, but that I was simply out of breath from running around the house. I'm really out of shape.
The drive was wonderful. No sound. Just thoughts bouncing around in my head. There is a lot of room for bouncing in there. I had grabbed necessary items at QT: Coke Zero, Snickers Marathon, and Clorox Disinfecting Wipes.
After wiping down everything in her car I took her to a clinic about the size of a phone booth where we had to wait awhile, but were very well cared for, got her medicine, put her to bed, and went to the "ghetto" H.E.B. I don't call it "ghetto", Haley does. When I went to Baylor, it was just the H.E.B. On the grocery list was all the ingredients for my chicken noodle soup and a big can of Lysol.
Haley had a rough night with coughing and my breathing machine was on the blink, so neither of us slept well. We didn't climb out of bed until almost noon. I was able to work from Haley's laptop - after I wiped it down, and got some good phone calls made. Then I trekked across campus to deliver a paper to the science building. I fit right in with my Toms, blue jeans, black T, jean jacket and straight as a bone hair. My big dark sunglasses covered the wrinkles and bags around my eyes. Yep, I looked 20...in my dreams!
We've also watched 8 billion episodes of Friends and Big Bang Theory, and the musical, Mamma Mia! Pierce Brosnan needs to avoid singing in public or on film, just as I do.
I think Haley will be mended enough for me to head home tomorrow, if she sleeps well. I've stocked her with Nyquil, new toothbrushes, and tissues. Her temperature seems to be staying down.
Now, back to another episode of Big Bang.
And thank you, Melinda and Micah, for helping out our family during this flu crisis.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Oh Happy Day!
I just received an exciting phone call from one of my dear friends. They got their travel date for Russia! YES! It has been a two year wait. An up and down, twisty, turny, spinning roller coaster on steroids wait.
But the wait is now over! And soon, very soon, my friends will travel to Russia to meet their new daughters! And are we excited? Heck Yeah! I'm so excited I can't see straight!
Oh Happy Day!
But the wait is now over! And soon, very soon, my friends will travel to Russia to meet their new daughters! And are we excited? Heck Yeah! I'm so excited I can't see straight!
Oh Happy Day!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
You're Always 17 In Your Hometown
I grew up in an itty bitty East Texas town. When I was there we only had one traffic light. It now has three, but that’s because the state highway built around the town and cars trying to cross the highway on their way to or from town were taking a beating. So, an overpass was built and two more signals put in. Now there’s a whopping three lights. That’s two too many for me. I don’t like “progress” messing with my memories. There’s a new high school. Instead of a bell they play classical music between classes. What in the heck is up with that? Actually, I think it is pretty cool. Not the lights, the classical music.
Anyway, a great guy in my hometown started an email list for anyone that loves the community to join. It has given birth to an “opinions” forum that a select few belong to. I think one of my opinions might have helped in that birthing process. It set the email list on its ear and there are heads probably still reeling from my bizarre views. I’m considered by some the liberal of the bunch. I choose to live in a fairly large city. Racial slurs send me over the edge. I believe if you make a statement you better be able to back it up, especially if you are trashing someone. Jesus is greater than ANYTHING. We should be reaching out to the “least of these”. I live in America because that is where God has put me, but I would move to a “less desirable nation” if that is where He wanted me to live. I don’t believe that our nation was built on Christianity. You get the picture. I’m not East Texas normal.
The great guy in my hometown that started the email list is hurting right now. His son is back in the hospital for the third time in two weeks. He has battled cancer, but the doctors don’t think that is what is going on right now, yet they haven’t ruled it out.
I grew up with Dick’s children. His son is a little older than me. Dick is a prince. He takes my kidding and harassment and dishes it right back to me. He is my kind of guy. I think some people were a little distressed by the way we went back and forth with our jabs, but he cleared it up that it was all in love and I explained that I only beat up on those I care dearly about.
Pray for Dick’s family. They are in pain. I was in bed, but I had this great urge to get this out.
Anyway, a great guy in my hometown started an email list for anyone that loves the community to join. It has given birth to an “opinions” forum that a select few belong to. I think one of my opinions might have helped in that birthing process. It set the email list on its ear and there are heads probably still reeling from my bizarre views. I’m considered by some the liberal of the bunch. I choose to live in a fairly large city. Racial slurs send me over the edge. I believe if you make a statement you better be able to back it up, especially if you are trashing someone. Jesus is greater than ANYTHING. We should be reaching out to the “least of these”. I live in America because that is where God has put me, but I would move to a “less desirable nation” if that is where He wanted me to live. I don’t believe that our nation was built on Christianity. You get the picture. I’m not East Texas normal.
The great guy in my hometown that started the email list is hurting right now. His son is back in the hospital for the third time in two weeks. He has battled cancer, but the doctors don’t think that is what is going on right now, yet they haven’t ruled it out.
I grew up with Dick’s children. His son is a little older than me. Dick is a prince. He takes my kidding and harassment and dishes it right back to me. He is my kind of guy. I think some people were a little distressed by the way we went back and forth with our jabs, but he cleared it up that it was all in love and I explained that I only beat up on those I care dearly about.
Pray for Dick’s family. They are in pain. I was in bed, but I had this great urge to get this out.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
I'm A Music Video Star
I commented on someone's blog that I welcomed in the New Year with a Root Beer Float and friends. Well, that is true, but the big news is that I was asked to star in a music video and we completed filming a little after midnight. Please do not ask for autographs. I'm too busy.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Back From The Yucatan
Twins! The pastor's wife had no idea that she was
carrying twins until she delivered them. Surprise!
carrying twins until she delivered them. Surprise!
It's Monday. We got back Thursday night. This is the first time I have felt the desire to blog. Our time in the Yucatan was special. There were many beautiful things to see and the people we met were wonderful. I lost count of the villages we visited. We were suppose to go to five different ones, but in the world of missions you must remember a very important word - Flexibility. We flexed a lot. During our time in the first village, my 12 year old came to me and said, "These kids have nothing, but they're so happy." Of course we saw that over and over during our week. It was a good lesson for all of us.
I want one of these tricycles! It would be great to pick up groceries. One of the men let me test his out. I managed not to kill our music minister.
This is one of my buddies. I was helping her make her bracelet. Isn't she beautiful? She kept staring at me. I guess she had never seen anything so strange before!
I bought a hammock for my family from the lady who made it. Think about this - I'm 5'4".
She only charged me $10. If I had bought it in the city it would have been $20-$30. I cut out the middle man and made a friend.
As we began to leave on night this woman, the wife of the man that let me ride his tricycle, brought me this tortilla cover. Her 18 year old daughter makes them to sell. She and her husband presented it as a gift. I was so touched!
The people of this church fed us a wonderful dinner. It consisted of what I call "tapas", tiny soft tacos on homemade corn tortillas. Good stuff! Also at this church there was a door that I had to duck to get through. Again, I'm 5'4".
My daughter, Corinn, makes a friend in Ek Balam. Mayan temple ruins were discovered by outsiders in the late 90's. They are being excavated now. Soon this sleepy little village will be a hot tourist spot. It already has one "eco-hotel".
Clay makes some friends. This is at the Ek Balam's village square. There is no church here, but there is a Mayan missionary, Ramone, that wants to start one soon.
Randy, the puppet master, and my daughter, Callie, showing off their dance moves during one of the puppet songs. I never got to see this live because I always had my hand up a puppet's hiney.
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