Oh God, I feel so selfish in my pain

How do I feel great excitement on one hand and also feel great loss?

How does my mind and spirit untangle these emotions of healing and moving forward, which brings great joy, from the tears and heartache of saying goodbye to something that brought great joy?

How can I be exuberantly happy about love blooming and growing, because I am, and yet experience waves of sorrow washing over me from the loss of what was.

I feel selfish in my pain, as if my pain overrides the joy for the progress of moving forward. A moving forward that is soothing, beautiful, and needed.

I know in my mind that this is good, yet I long so greatly for the past which can never return. And would not want to return if given the option.

Oh God, give me the eyes to see the beauty of now. Give me the heart to embrace it with no reserves. Help me remember the joy of the past and not weep.

Take away the selfishness of my pain.

My friend is gone

A phone call you never want to take. Words you never want to hear. Pain you never want to see. It all came without warning, without welcome Friday night. "This can't be happening, this can't be happening, this can't be happening..." has run through my mind since then. Three adored children without their mother. A much loved husband without his wife. Parents that have already said good-bye to one child say good-bye to their daughter. A son becomes an only child. I don't understand. I just hurt. A happy face is put on for the youngest son. We talk, laugh, run and play. He cackles when he discovers I have stepped in dog pooh. Out of his sight the tears come. My friend is gone.